Finding me again

When I came here, the paranoia I had. My daughter loves me, I know she loves me very, very much, but we were walking up this corridor and I said to her, are you conspiring against me? I thought she was, I thought everybody was trying to get rid of me. I thought I'm too much of a burden, I'm too much.

But St Helena Hospice nurtured me back to what you see now, which is a version of myself that I recognise. I can't thank these people enough. Every single thing that they do, down to making a cup of tea for you, is just amazing.

I had thought it was the end but I'm going to stay around for as long as I possibly can.

I've been a freemason for about 16 years now and we donate to the Hospice every year and we've got other lodges that do the same again, so I knew of the good work that is done. As my daughter says, experiencing it has been totally different, it's like opening our eyes of how amazing they are. The doctors, the nurses, they put faith back in community, and this is a community, even more than that, it's a family. I feel part of that family.

What I've experienced through here, these people bringing me back, literally dragging me back, reassuring me that nobody's here to hurt me, they’re here to help me. I can hear myself now, I couldn't hear myself before, I'd lost my whole identity. My voice is still not me, but I can hear myself and it's all thanks to these people in here, finding me, getting me, dragging me back out.

I've always taught my son and daughter to show emotion, to feel emotion, to let emotion out, but I've never done it for myself and it's happening now. I wish I'd done it sooner, I wish I'd realised it sooner, but I want to say I'm becoming more human. Even though it's near the end, I'm becoming more human. I've found a new faith in God and putting my trust in something else rather than having to battle it all through myself. I have been looking for him for quite some time and I found him about two years ago. We moved into the village, Bradfield, where I live now, and I became the bell ringer for the church, obviously I can't do it now, I haven't got the strength, but I became part of the community. That was amazing, being part of that community. It was like, this is what church is, this is what it's supposed to be, and the church community welcomed me with open arms. I've had candles lit all over the world by church patrons who would go on holiday and they send me a little video of the candle being lit for me. That blew my mind, it actually blew my mind, and I love every single one of them for it. Here at the Hospice, I have been speaking with Tim about my faith. He is an amazing man, he's such a calming influence as well, his mannerisms, the way he speaks.

I've got to thank my daughter for being there for me, even when I was thinking she was conspiring against me. I've got to thank my niece for doing the same, looking after me, she's always got my back.

I can't thank St Helena Hospice enough for finding me and actually spending the time to bring me back. That's the important bit, they spent the time to bring me back. It's a family, to these people, it's not a job, you can see it's not a job to them. It's a way of life and it's a family.

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