During this time Evie and Ava would visit their dad at the Hospice every day, making the most of the time they had left together. They would play on the swings in the Hospice garden where Anthony could see them from his window, or they would spend quality time together as a family playing Uno and Ker-Plunk in his room.
Happy memories were made when a family friend arranged for them to make castings of their hands, and when their dog Benji made a surprise visit to the Hospice one day. Anthony and Gemma celebrated their wedding anniversary at the Hospice.
“I'd spend the night at home and then arrive in the morning after dropping the girls off at school,” remembers mum, Gemma. “The girls and I slept over a few times; we had sleep overs, and we’d watch I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!”.
“So, although sad because you never want to be at a hospice, it was a positive experience. It was a lovely and peaceful environment and everyone was lovely. The surroundings are beautiful. We were here in November and I remember standing by the pond just having five minutes to myself.
“And even towards the end, there was no rush to leave the room; we could stay as long as we wanted, which really helped.”
The children began making memory boxes, a focus which has continued throughout their bereavement and something Gemma advises for families going through a similar situation:
“Make lots of memories and make memory boxes, they've been so helpful for the girls. We got people to write down their memories of their daddy and they're all in the memory box.
“We were given a little wooden heart at the Hospice and Anthony held it in his hand, and we took a photo of Anthony holding it, as suggested by Sue, then we gave it to the girls for their memory box.”
Family support worker Sue would pop in to chat with Anthony in his room and was on hand if Gemma, Evie or Ava wanted emotional support, as Gemma explains:
“Sue supported us in how to approach things. That was so helpful because obviously it's never happened before; we didn't really know what we were doing and Sue was just amazing.
“When we were told there was only a couple of hours left, Sue said to us ‘have you told the girls? The girls need to say bye’. So they made phone messages and I played them to Anthony and I played their music, their favourite songs that they danced around together with him in the kitchen, we played those.
“He was a big kid, always dancing around the kitchen in the morning. He was an amazing daddy.”
Counselling and emotional support continued after Anthony died. “I had counselling with Sue because my dad passed away,” explains Ava. “We did activities each week to make me feel better.”
During one session Ava painted hearts on a plant pot and later put it on her dad's grave. Ava could use the sessions with Sue to express creatively how she felt about everything that had happened. Knowing her daughters could have emotional support was a relief to Gemma:
“I think it was harder to speak to me about things since they didn't want to upset me, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders a little bit.”
Evie enjoyed going to watch Colchester United regularly with her dad and Ava loved making weekly roast dinners together with her dad. The girls advise anyone in their situation to make lots of memories and take lots of photos.
As Ava says: “Try and spend every minute with them when they are ill because you never know what’s going to happen.”
Gemma agrees and adds: “Talk to people instead of holding it all in.
“I think what helped the girls is us just being honest with them from the beginning. I remember Ava saying to me ‘is Daddy going to die’ and we said hopefully not but we don't know.
“That's my advice; parents should be completely honest. We would say to the girls, just talk to us. It’s hard, because they don't want to put the pressure and upset on us. That's what I think a lot of it is, they didn't want to upset us.”
The 15 months after Anthony’s diagnosis of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma were a rollercoaster of emotions for the family. Throughout Anthony’s illness, Ava had support from her school, Prettygate, prompting Gemma to nominate the school for a Compassionate Champions Award.
Evie and Ava are now keen fundraisers for St Helena, something which their dad encouraged them to do while he was staying at the Hospice. Ava has even walked across Lego in bare feet to raise money! As well as organising raffles and joining in St Helena’s community fun day, the family are planning to take part in some of this year’s big events.
“We just want to support the Hospice as much as we can for how they supported us,” Gemma explains. “Anthony was very much like ‘please support, please support’. I just think the Hospice makes such a difference. I think we'll always support.
“Our grief comes in waves, but we do have some good days now which it what Anthony would have wanted.”
This story may not be published elsewhere without express permission from St Helena Hospice.
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