Boundaries

I have learned that boundaries are the tools to help me to be more compassionate. Having good boundaries in place helps me to protect myself, as well as the person I’m talking to. Boundaries are what stops a conversation from becoming all-consuming or overwhelming.

I try to be aware of what my own boundaries are before I start a conversation. Ask yourself: how much time do I have? Are there things which I can’t talk about today?

Having clear boundaries is a way of looking after myself, and honouring my own feelings, but it also helps the people I’m talking to. It helps them to know that this conversation is happening in a safe space, and that I am being honest and real with them. I try to be open with the other person about my boundaries:

• “Just so you know, I need to head off at 5 today”
• “I’m happy to listen, but I’m not sure this is an area that I can help you with. I wonder if it’s worth chatting to a counsellor about it”
• “I’d love to chat to you, but I can’t right now – let’s put a time in the diary”

This also gives the other person permission to say the same to me!

Practice

In my first week as a hospital chaplain, I cried every day when I got home. I felt anxious, uncomfortable, and at times overwhelmed by the conversations I was having at work. Two years later, there are still days when I feel that way, but they are few and far between. On the whole, I feel quite confident in having difficult conversations.

The key lesson for me was learning it isn’t my job to fix people’s fears. All I need to do is sit with them, so that they’re not facing those fears alone. Once I let go of the pressure I put on myself to make things better, the conversations became simpler. But that takes time. It takes practice to get used to having these kinds of conversations. I’m not suggesting that you need to talk about death every single day, or with everybody you meet (that would be very unboundaried!), but these conversations become less scary the more you have them.

Conversations about death and dying can be heavy, and hard. But they can also be liberating and joyful. They bring me peace and comfort. I don’t do my job because I am a martyr who wants a hard life. I do it because I love it. Opening my world to these kinds of conversations has allowed me to connect with people who have inspired me, challenged me, and reminded me of what’s important in life. There are lots of laughs to be had, as well as tears. Being in a job that allows me to talk about this stuff is a gift that I’m grateful for.

Exploring this stuff might be scary at times, and it might feel uncomfortable, but the rewards are huge; so, I’d encourage you to join the conversation! The good news is that you don’t need to start this alone. While it still feels new and uncomfortable, we are here to support you. Come along to one of Compassionate Conversations workshops. Follow us on social media @StHelenaHospice. Come volunteer with us! There are lots of ways for you to get involved, which will give you opportunities to have conversations about death and dying in a safe, supportive environment.

Learn more about our Dying Matters campaign and download our conversation starter pack.