Memories are the things which are so important to help us move into the future. He's not forgotten, he's not out of my life, he's still part of my life. Now, I find myself in a position of hope and thanksgiving because of the relationship we had. To mark the depths of the love that I had for Alan, I think these last years have all been about doing the things that he would want me to do, that he'd take pride in.

Alan had come out of hospital after six weeks being there and I remember a nurse appeared at the door and said ‘I’m from the Hospice’. It was at a really bad time, I wasn't very charitable at all, it was quite chaotic, I wasn't sure what I was doing. I was quite abrupt with her really, but she came back regularly during the time he was at home, about two months, and one day she said the time has come for Alan to go into the Hospice for some respite care. I didn't realise how tired I was, because my husband having bone cancer in the spine meant he couldn't be moved easily. There were carers coming in four times a day, there was the Hospice coming in, the district nurse, the doctor, and it was very often like Piccadilly Circus. I didn't realise how tired I was and then he went into the Hospice, and I always remember, one of the first things they said was ‘would you like lunch?’ It was a Sunday and I went down to the canteen and I was dished up this splendid meal and I wandered off. I suddenly realised how hungry and tired I was. You have no idea how grateful I was for that meal that I didn't have to cook or wash up afterwards. Or perhaps you do? 

Alan had his feet massaged and they'd been able to bath him and they did all these things… you will never understand what the Hospice does for a person until you are in that situation. There is a piece of scripture (Matthew 25.35-36) when Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ I use this passage because that's what the Hospice does. They made sure my husband was clean and bathed. They catered for his every whim. If he wanted a boiled egg at 2:00 in the morning, somebody toddled off and boiled one for him. But they also sat with him and talked with him. The doctor spent about an hour and a half going through his medication with me and what they were going to do and the plan. It made his death as good as it can get, not only for me, but for his children and his brothers and their wives and all those other visitors.

It’s about the compassion shown to someone who is dying. It’s just a shame that we haven’t got a recipe for that to spread across the world, because the world would look quite different if it was like that.

This story may not be published elsewhere without express permission from St Helena Hospice.