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The biggest family man

Bereavement Counselling Family story Hospice Hospice in the Home

Family and friends meant the world to 40 year old Jim Barrow. He enjoyed watching the football with his son Archie and dancing around the kitchen with his daughter Izzy.

When he was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, Jim was determined to keep having adventures with his young children and wife, Nicky, 33, even while under the care of St Helena Hospice. Throughout the experience, Jim and Nicky continued to make life as normal as possible for Archie (now 9) and Izzy (now 6) and make special memories together. Nicky shares their story…

Speech mark My amazing husband, Jim, was only 40 when he died. He was a family man, all he wanted to do was to look after me and our two young children, Archie and Izzy.

Never did I think we would need hospice support, but no one ever really knows until that time comes.

Hospice in the Home

When Jim became very unwell, a clinical nurse specialist, Michaela, started visiting us at home to make sure he was comfortable. It was so hard to see my husband in pain and still have to carry on with family life too, but I could say things to her exactly how they were, and she just got it.

I spoke to SinglePoint sometimes daily, for reassurance about what was happening to Jim, they had so much empathy. A few times, we had rapid response nurses out when his pain was really bad which meant we didn’t waste the precious time we had left in A&E.

Anytime that I was unsure, I never felt alone. I knew that there was always somebody I could call, even if I wasn't going to get an answer straight away. It was even just to unload a little bit, to explain this is what's going on. They were so kind and didn't make you feel like you were pestering them or anything like that.

Image: The Barrow family who were supported by St Helena Hospice

The Barrow family - Jim, Izzy, Archie and Nicky

We had nurses who came out on Christmas Day to help with his pain. On his 40th birthday Jim woke up in the morning in awful pain and I needed to get him to his surprise birthday party. I called SinglePoint and they spoke to the doctors who came up with a plan with his meds which meant he went to his birthday party, was completely surprised, and had the best night ever! Without them, there is no way this would have happened.

Jim wouldn't have been able to stay at home for as long as he did if it wasn't for the nurses.

Hospice

The pain became progressively worse as the cancer spread and he was admitted to the Hospice three times. The nurses were so kind, friendly and caring. The plan was to get on top of the pain to get him home and then to manage the pain at home. We did have a couple of nights where he'd come home for a little sleepover but it wasn't manageable.

The last time, he was there nearly 15 weeks in the end. The nurses and the doctors were just incredible, they would always have something ready to try. There was always a plan and a back up plan if that didn’t work, which felt like it gave us that little bit of control back knowing there were options to try.

Everyone did anything they could to try and make Jim's life, all our lives, that bit better. Jim and I went out for dinner from the Hospice and then I stayed with him there. We had Izzy's 5th birthday in the lounge with cake and balloons and presents. We did an Easter egg hunt in the garden. We just brought everything, our lives, to the Hospice.

It's an amazing place. It's the whole team, it's everybody, I feel so passionate about this.

It was the biggest relief that Jim was here at the Hospice. It was difficult managing the kids at home on my own, but it was one less stress for me knowing that he was here, safe and being looked after. We could come whenever we wanted. Some nights the kids would bring a pizza and we'd sit and have dinner together.

I thought that Jim being here at the Hospice would make things worse and harder for everyone, but it was the biggest relief, the biggest turning point, just to make things a bit more manageable.

In his last week, the kids and I sat in the Hospice kitchen having dinner with Jim and the nurses came in. They knew things were quite close to the end and they said ‘is there anything you'd like to do with Daddy?’ Izzy said ‘I just want to go out for dinner with Daddy’. So, they organized us to go out on the Monday night and surprised us with a limo for the four of us to turn up in!

Sadly, Jim went downhill on the Sunday so it was no longer going to be possible but instead we kept the limo and our close family and friends went for a cruise! Literally the worst thing ever was going on but we were cruising down Colchester High Street in a limo blaring out music, and the kids were having the best time ever! Just to have that little bit of fun when something so bad is happening - and the Hospice sorted it all.

Trip to the zoo - The Barrow family's last day out together

He felt so safe here. I think that's why I've got such a connection to the Hospice because for him, it was his safe place. He was so well looked after, and his pain was managed, everyone just loved him and he loved everyone here as well.

And in those final days, Jim was cared for with such compassion and dignity.

Counselling and emotional support

We had family support from Sue who was there from day one back when we came in the first time, she would pop her head in the room and come in for chats. She helped me later on by giving me advice and support around how to tell the children that their daddy was going to die. Without her advice and support I would have put off the conversation, but she explained it’s better to prepare them a little while before that daddy isn’t going to get better, so it didn’t come as a complete shock. I was open and honest with the kids even though all I wanted to do was protect them, but Sue made that awful conversation that little bit easier. If it wasn't for Sue, I wouldn’t have known how to approach it, and I may have gone about it completely differently.

So, it went from just checking in, seeing how we were, all the way through and after where the kids have had counselling with Sue. They’ve made memory boxes and lots of little keepsakes for different memories. They’ve worked on all their emotions and looked forward to coming to see Sue every week but now they don't feel like they need to because they're in a really good place. It's that whole cycle from the beginning, supporting us just checking in because Daddy's in here, to now supporting us because he is no longer here.

Now I feel it's the most surreal, up and down feeling. I've experienced grief before when I lost my dad, but this is different because I've got two kids to look after. I don't have a choice; I’ve just got to go with it. One day I'll think oh we're great, we've got this and another day I think, how am I going to do this? It's just another massive roller coaster, but I don't have that constant fear anymore.

Before when Jim was sick, I didn’t know what was happening one day to the next, I couldn't make a plan, I had no control over the situation, but now I can focus on the kids and making memories with them, that’s all that Jim would want.

Jim

I would describe Jim as the biggest family man. A very loyal friend. Very fun loving. He would always be the life and soul of a party; everyone knew Jim as that.

What he enjoyed doing the most was just being with his family. That's all he would want, and that's all he ever wanted to do, was to have fun with the kids. He loved taking Archie to watch football matches especially Ipswich or watching games together at home. He has definitely passed his passion for football down to Archie! Izzy was a real daddy’s girl, she always says her one big memory of daddy is them dancing in the kitchen together. He would just want us to be happy so that’s what I’m trying to do.

His life advice would be don't wait to do things. Life's too short. If you want to do it, just do it, book that trip, do that extension, don't overthink it, just go for it.

Jim Barrow

Izzy and her dad at the Hospice

Archie and his dad at the Hospice

Story and images may not be published elsewhere without express permission from St Helena Hospice.

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The biggest family man